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Child Sexual Abuse
Frequently Asked Questions
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DISCLAIMER: The question on this page was posted on an online forum. The responses were posted by survivors, child advocates, and other concerned adults. The Web site manager does NOT assume responsibility for the accuracy of this information.
This information is NOT intended to replace professional counseling or legal services; but rather, to serve as encouragement for seeking those services. If your child (or a child you know) has been abused, or is at-risk of being abused, report it to the appropriate authorities and seek professional counseling.
FAQ (1) -- Divorce:
Spouse and child moving in with parent
who abused the spouse as a child.
Inquiry: John Doe
My wife and I are getting divorced. She, with our young child, moved in with her parents. My wife was molested by her father for several years as a child. Neither my wife nor her father has never received treatment. She believes he is fine now. I have expressed my concerns for our child. What do you think? Do I need to contact Child Welfare to look into this?
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Response: Stephen Stocker
United Survivors Preventing Abuse
That's a tough one. I definitely think you should do whatever you can to keep the kids away from this man. And I think your worries are justified, molesters don't usually change, or "get well". I guess my best answer would be yes, contact whoever you can get to listen to you. And good luck, please let us know how it turns out. Wish I could do better than that to help! Take care of yourself... Steve
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Response: Nancy Burnett
Abuse/Incest Support ~ at The Mining Company
I work as a lawyer who represents fathers and mothers in Family Court as well as working as Law Guardian who represents children in Family Court. I would talk to your wife at length. There are some things where chances should not be taken, IMO. This is one of those situations. You may need to pay more child support so your wife can afford to live outside her parents' home. Or you may need to help with child care while your wife works. These things can be worked out if you try to keep in mind WHY she is doing what she is doing: she believes he is now safe (or doesn't want to really think about the possibility he is not) and she needs him financially. If she refuses to take your child from an environment you believe is safe, you have some options. You can hotline the matter and see what the state may or may not choose to do. I, myself, prefer more direct action as opposed to relying on agencies. Thus, in your case, I would recommend considering bringing a petition for custody or, in the alternative, for an order directing that your wife cannot permit your child to be alone with your wife's father as a condition of her continuing to have custody of the child. Good luck and best wishes! Nancy
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John Doe -- Inquiry to Nancy Burnett (response above)
Nancy, thank you. We are living in different states. I provide half of the child care, $300 per month in child support, and medical insurance. My wife refuses to talk further in regard to this matter because she feels her father is no threat. I inquired with Children's Services and they advised that it probably does warrant an investigation. I assume our child would be with me during an investigation. I am not pursuing this to get custody. I will let our child stay with my wife if the matter is resolved.
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Response: Nancy Burnett
Abuse/Incest Support ~ at The Mining Company
You need to take the next step then. If she won't talk about it, then you need to go to child welfare officials, or bring an action in court requesting an order directing your wife not to allow your child to be alone with your wife's father. That really is all that is left that can be done at this point. Best wishes, Nancy
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Response: Randal Hanna
Our Little Darlings
The first thing I would do is do some checking on her father, just a background check. If you live in a state where Megan's Law is in effect check the list. I don't know how long you were married and I don't know how well you know your father in-law. The child safety is very important, all what I can say is do what you think is right from the heart.
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Response: Debbie Mahoney
Safeguarding Our Children - United Mothers (SOC-UM)
What a stressful situation for you. To say someone will molest again is impossible...that being said, I can give you some indicators. A convicted child molester has a higher recidivist rate over any other crime. Child molesters have been known to continue to commit their crimes well into their elder age. To suggest a person who has committed such a crime against his own daughter would feel a grandchild is off-limits is naive at best. Has the father ever had counseling? Has he ever taken responsibility for the crimes against his daughter? I speak from experience when I say that a child molester is good at coercion and manipulation. They PLAY the 'good guy' extremely well. My advise is NEVER allow this man access to your child. Also, see . . . from the Heart of a mother.
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Response: Bonnie
Save Our Children from Abuse and Neglect (SOCAN)
Please do not assume you will have your child during a child protective investigation. That is not the case in Texas. Here they go talk to the parties involved, and if it warrants they will tell the alleged perpetrator to leave the house while they start the mass of paperwork for courts. If they can find no "evidence" of his involvement with your wife it is doubtful they will have grounds to move on.
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Response: Marlana Fury
Still Waters Run Deep
Has your wife ever dealt with her own survival issues? I cannot believe that she has, or she would not be putting her own precious child into this very precarious position. It's my very firm opinion that your wife is living in abject denial -- and taking terrible chances with the safety of your child.... Is there ANYbody in her family -- perhaps another he molested? -- or any friends, who WILL listen to you and that she might then listen to? It's obvious that she has shut you out and will no longer listen to you -- so perhaps she would listen to someone else? If there IS someone, arm them with the statistics about child molesters -- with the fact that there are only two crimes which have NO history of rehabilitation -- arson and child molestation. It would probably be a good idea to give them a print-out of our responses here -- from people who are totally unbiased in the situation. People who are experts in the field, like Nancy, and people like Steve and me, who are survivors ourselves..... I also invite you to post on my Survivor Forum for more opinions. You can access it here. I agree that you must use every agency and legal avenue possible. But, the courts and other agencies move too slowly -- by the time something is done, it might already be too late. This is a battle you MUST win, for your child's sake. And next time you have a visit, you might consider having your child checked for signs of molestation.... It can't be just any doctor who does the examination either -- it must be one who is sensitive to the issue. You and your wife and child are all in my prayers. Please keep us posted as to what happens.... Much love to you.... Marlana Fury
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Response: Debbie Mahoney
Safeguarding Our Children - United Mothers (SOC-UM)
Something I was going to address in email was the education of your child. This is being placed here to hopefully assist others who might be in a situation similar. A child molester's greatest tool is the secrecy that surrounds this issue. While your child is very young, young children are still able to understand good touch - bad touch - and uncomfortable touch. An 'uh oh' feeling. Please, if you haven't already ordered the book "The Most Important Rule of All" do so, it is excellent. Additionally, please visit the educational areas of the SOC-UM Web site. There is a lot of wonderful information there to help educate your child so that the 'secrecy' of this issue is removed. As a parent you can prepare your child to be 'careful' but not 'fearful' to the possible dangers in the surroundings. One of the greatest gifts we can give to our children is the gift of 'listening' so we can hear what they might be trying to tell us. Also, while on the SOC-UM Web site please go take a look at the indicators (those things that might possibly be a change in behavior of children who have been victimized). Sorry this is so long but these issues are very important. What better help to children, than giving them the tools, and the ability to say "No" or "Stop, I don't like that," to tell and keep telling, and the knowledge that what happened isn't their fault.
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Response: Marlana Fury
Still Waters Run Deep
I second, third, fourth, and ad infinitum Debbie's message -- I was NOT educated -- I had nowhere to go -- and I dealt with this issue secretly (and not very well, I might add) for more than 40 years..... It has affected my relationships with others -- not just men -- my ability to trust, and my ability to give in a relationship with a man. If your child is educated to recognize the signs of abuse and knows before-hand that it is HIM who is "bad" -- NOT the child -- your child will be oh-so-much-better-off than the millions like me -- who had no such information -- who hid in silence and guilt and fear -- who couldn't possibly share the horror with their parents or anyone else..... Please do visit Debbie's site, Safeguarding Our Children -- United Mothers, and arm your child and yourSELF with knowledge .... Marlana Fury
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Response: Rena Edelen
Your child should NEVER be left alone with her grandfather, ever! Your wife may feel comfortable around her father, but it is not because he's cured. It's because she's now 30 and no longer a "little" girl. If you contact CPS (child welfare) they may place your child in foster care while they investigate. To me that is nearly as emotionally and psychologically damaging as what your child potentially faces living in proximity to the grandfather. The police usually escort CPS to pick up the child. It's merely legal kidnapping and no less frightening to a child than illegal kidnapping. Call an attorney. Ask what the law is in the state your child lives in re: child molesters. A few states have laws that remove the abuser from the home instead of the child. (We want that law passed in every state.) If the state your child lives in has such a law, ask your attorney to recommend a "next step". If the attorney you contact does not answer your questions specifically and have ideas for immediate solutions, end the interview and call another one. Attorneys can be approached on an "interview" only basis. You're entitled to interview each one before determining which one is the right one for you without paying a fee. I'd recommend calling female attorneys first. Some male attorneys are also child molesters, and some don't really care. You are looking for a "fire spitting bitch" attorney, when it comes to protecting children, who will act to disrupt the child's life as little as possible and whose main caseload is family law. Some expertise in criminal law around child sexual abuse and molestation is also important. Prepare your list of questions in advance. It's easy to forget them face to face, without a list to refer to. The grandfather is an adult and will survive the investigative process. If he can be removed, he can choose where he wants to stay and move around at will. A child is powerless and can't even call Mommy for reassurance on the phone if child welfare steps in. PLEASE DON'T WAIT. You would never forgive yourself. I'll keep your little family in my prayers. Love, Rena
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Response: MSBell
Your wife has "forgiven" her father and has perhaps gotten her issues resolved; or she is still in denial; like she detached from those memories and it happened to another little girl - not her. Even with prolonged therapy, it is my belief there is little hope for a cure for molesters - because they have no built-in taboo for crossing over the lines...proceed with all haste to protect that little girl.
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Response: Gabriel
For the record, without treatment a father who molested his daughter is not 'cured' nor are pedophiles curable according to what I have read....so this could endanger your child....my suggestion would be to talk to your attorney and then call DSS to have someone investigate this....of course, this will be a painful situation for everyone involved....your wife may be displaced because her parents, if they have not dealt with this issue when it happened to your wife, are not going to react favorable now with a young child and your concern.....however, your child's well-being and safety is what matters most and she should not be subjected to a potentially dangerous situation...so move on this quickly and let us know.
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Response: Becky Caldwell
I think that you should take every precaution at your disposal to insure your child's safety. The damage done to a child who is molested can last a lifetime. You should voice your concern to the child protection service and whoever else you can locate that is in a position to help you insure your child is in a safe environment. Be prepared for the possibility that this may cause increased conflict between yourself and the mother, and most likely her entire family, but stand firm in your position that your child should not be subjected to even the possibility of maltreatment from a person with a history of such abuse. Good luck to you.
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